Breathe in, breathe out, Madison. One freakout does not negate a year of putting your life together.
That's what my therapist said anyway, after I told her about the disastrous job fair. Falling after you ride a bike doesn't mean you never learned to ride in the first place, right? Skinned knee, meet band-aid. All better.
Had a few nightmares this week. Don't remember any of them really. Just woke up sweating and worried that a pile of clothes was a person reaching out to me. Shook off the dream. Stood up. Picked up the clothes. (They shouldn't have been on the floor anyway.) Went back to sleep.
Finished the fish this week. Gonna go fire it when I've got time. Work has been taking it out of me. Linda's been cool. She invited me to sneak a smoke in the back of the building (which she is usually super anal about). But I don't know. Jobs you don't care about, they wear at your edges. Pieces in the kiln too long start to crack.
Smoked with Linda. Don't even really smoke, but it was nice to be offered. She talked about her new bf. (Called it!) Name is Derrek. He's head lifeguard at the public pool. Teaches little kids how to swim. Has dreadlocks, apparently. Sounds like a loser to me.
No, not because of the dreadlocks. Dreadlocks are "kickin" as Zooey would say. A loser because he's thirty-five and his mom still pays for his phone bill. I know, those in glass houses. But my glass house is there because of psychosis so I feel like I can throw all the damn stones I want. Especially at someone who refers to his dangly bits as his "little duderino." Are you Sean Penn from Fast Times at Ridgemont High????
Thought I saw my ex the other day. Just a moment. Just in a crowd. Have I mentioned him? Probably not. Among the things I try not to think about, he takes a trophy.
Bad news, that guy. Played on my psychosis. Controlling. Jealous. Thought it was what I wanted. Didn't help. But of all of the bad things that have happened to me he's one I can not think about. Because that wasn't my fault. He's not my fault.
Enough is my fault. Can't think about it. Too sad.
Come to think of it, my ex had dreadlocks for a big chunk of time. Maybe that's why I hate Derrek so much. Stupid really. My ex, an engineering major with dreadlocks. Incorrect. Especially on his thin weedy hair.
I think I might post something else about my past soon. Need to get it out. Hurts too much. It all came back at that job fair. Twisted limbs. Faceless man. Waiting for me. Always waiting.
Wish he wasn't the only one. I deserve someone better.
