Shameless Tease

Prepare to be disappointed. (Should be my catchphrase.)

I know I promised to talk about my past today, but something else is on my mind. (My imaginary, imaginary audience must be so disappointed.) A little bit of a cocktease, I know.

Not that it's anything new-BOOM! I sure got . . . me.

Anyway, the pressing thing that absolutely cannot wait another second is that I went out in public (wait for it) with someone not related to me.

My standards for excitement have fallen somewhat, I know.

The non-related-to-me person was Sam. I mentioned him before, I think. He was in group therapy with me. Straight, bleached looking, blondish hair. Thin little face. Eyes close together.

Sam dresses odd. Formal. Like pressed pants and polished shoes. Blazers sometimes. Lots of button down shirts. Always so clean. He always wears this silver ring on his thumb. Been meaning to ask him about it. Ex-girlfriend maybe? I know he fell for the last one.

Really the glasses are the only thing that don't fit. Big, honking hipstery frames. Who can say why.

He's got anxiety and social problems along with a pretty serious case of OCD. It's gotten better lately, though. Not-so-O-C-D. Less-C-D? No-C-D? Sorry, not funny yet again. Can't help it. I'd go forever if no one would stop me.

We hadn't talked in ages, but then he texted me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go to the Cozy Cafe. It's downtown. Dingy little place. Crappy (cheap) food, good coffee, tiny tables. A.k.a. heaven in restaurant form. I said yes and we met up.

Sam and I must look so strange together in public. Him with his hand sanitizer and hypoallergenic, disinfecting wipes. Me ducking out of sight anytime someone with a business suit walks into the diner. (He used to wear black blazers until I told him they freaked me out. He doesn't wear them around me anymore.) We're the crazy twins. The jumpy, social anxious patrol. Dysfunctioning together, navigating social waters.

He had to ask the waitress bring him three different drinking glasses. Anyone else would get pee in their food for doing that, but Sam is polite. Always calling everyone "sir" or "ma'am." At the beginning of our meal he explained to the waitress that he had a condition and would therefore be asking for a number of water glasses. He apologized for it ahead of time and promised he would tip accordingly for the extra effort.

She liked him a lot, though. She actually gave us a free chocolate chip muffin on the house. Said she was mad at her boss anyway. I can relate. (Still not over the Jack-In-The-Box figurine, I'm afraid.) Anyway, it was so nice to be out of the house.

Didn't hang out long after that. Walked downtown. Talked about mostly books the whole time. He is the only man I've met who actually likes Jane Austen. Our big division is that I love Pride and Prejudice (Where's my Mr. Darcy?) while he prefers Sense and Sensibility. We're nerds. I know.

We got into a debate about Walk to Remember which was less jovial. I mean, I know that Nicholas Sparks isn't Shakespeare. But I can't help it, the movies are so sweet. When he walks Mandy Moore down the aisle it's such a beautiful moment. Sam says they're unrealistic models for love. I said he had a shriveled little heart that barely beat at all. The conversation turned out better than it sounds.

Zooey always makes fun of me whenever I talked about Sam. Says we're in love, secretly. Scandalous. It's not like that, though. I mean, he's nice and great, but we're just too neurotic for each other. If we dated we would never leave the house again, I swear.

Besides, I sort of had my Walk to Remember guy. Really fell for him. Online (don't judge, it was the early 2000's). Maybe that's why it was so perfect. Distilling the crazy probably helps.

Never a relationship-type-deal between me and the online guy, though. The only guy I ever had a real relationship with was kind of controlling and terrible. This online guy was different. A lot of winking and blushing smilings, but all just harmless flirting. Nice. Uncomplicated.

Even so, no one has really matched up since. And it was probably because I was young and we were separated by several states. But I still dream.

I'm sorry, this is not what I meant to talk about at all. Madison's love life is a depressing, depressing subject. And I don't need a beau right now. I need a friend.

And Sam is a great one.